Wow..wee! It’s me, again! Better late than never…update on everything life!

So here I am, you miss me? Just kidding it’s been a minute since, I have even opened this app, let alone writing anything.

Some times life gets soooo busy, taking any time to relax is valuable…so here I am! I am back! So here you go, the obligatory update….

First off…my beautiful children, have now all almost turned into full fledged teenagers! Ahhhhh!!!!😱 what a ride that has been…dealing with first loves, drama, hormones, and my baby boy dramatically growing taller than me..probably at this moment he is growing like 2 more inches. Ok ok. That is an an exaggeration 🤏🏼a little! Not but seriously, I miss my little ones, but I am enjoying this new stage in their lives. Ask me tomorrow I may say something different! Ha!

Second, I am loving, I mean loving teaching 4th and 5th grade writing! I didn’t know that I could love any grade more than 2nd grade..boy was I wrong.

Third, I am sad to say that throughout my break from blogging I am still on the struggle bus of back pain…Yes, I said it. In good news my back is fused!!!! Hallelujah, Thank you Lord 🙌🏼 however I have been left with permanent sciatica nerve damage! Ughhhhh, misery…weather changes, cold weather, and for no reason I have pain all the way to my toes! Unfortunately, I hate to report in recent news, new back issues had me visiting an old friend. Yep, I took a trip in the old mri tube last week…still waiting on my results though! Eeek….to say I am nervous is an UNDERSTATEMENT! My heating pad and I are back in a committed relationship as of this winter 😔 ( me anxiously awaiting results). Don’t worry I’ll update with my results, or well I plan on it..

Last but definitely not least, hubby and I are on our way to celebrating 4 years of wedded bliss…we have definitely been through the wringer together, but here we are still going strong, stronger than ever. As life would have it, bumps and obstacles are popping up all the time. As always, we are taking them down one at a time side by side! I truly do thank God for sending him my way. Life definitely wouldn’t be as fun without him…he (constantly) reminds me to not take life so serious.

Stop. Calibrate. And listen. Ice is back…sorry I randomly break out in Ice Ice Baby.. ok hold up, seriously though, stop and read this one last update before you go…

I forgot a huge update….well 3 huge important parts of my life….my fur babies. Over the last few years we have been adding to the family one boxer, two boxer, three boxer dogs! I am proud to introduce Layla, Gemma, and the Magster! Meet my fur babies, emotional supports, and my fur ever cuddle buddies. 👇🏼 warning!!!! Total cuteness overload below……

Layla Jean

Gemma Lucille

Maggie Mae aka the magster

In the words of Porky the Pig. That’s all folks..well now ✌️

Feel 99 years old but I am only 34 😱

I have 2 overnights and it’s surgery day! Eeeeeeek! To say I am nervous would be an understatement! I am starting to pack my bags and preparing for surgery! 

This isn’t some easy outpatient, I go in and I am out later that day! I wish I am having a major surgery to fix my back. 

On the first night, if I am not to sedated they will get me up to walk for the first time. Sounds like a lot of fun after my back is screwed together just a few hours before. 

And I bet you didn’t know I aged a lot. I am going go be like a 99 year old in a 34 year olds body. By this I mean I will be using a walker! 

With that being said these last few days I am buying what I need for coming home. Now remember I won’t be able to bend, twist, or lift. So in order for me to recover at home, I need the list below. 

Here is a list of things that make me feel 99 but are necessary:

1. Walker with wheels (yes I plan on cruising the streets with it when I get home)
2. A cane, for after I Graduate from the walker.
3. Shower seat to take showers with handles to help get on and off of it.
4. A reacher thingy that you can use to grab stuff instead of bending, twisting, or lifting!

To all my friends and family that would like to come and visit when I get home or at the hospital make sure you shoot me a text or fb message to make sure I am awake. My close family and friends I will be having Eric let you know how I am doing! I am expecting to be there at 3 to 4 days!

Peace out, talk to you on the other side( meaning recovery)! 

Counting Down the Days

Well Ladies and Gentleman we are T minus 7 days. EEEkkkk! Surgery day is upon me and well I am quite frankly freaking out. 

This week can be explained by one word= emotional! It’s been train wreck city around my house. The smallest of small things could make me bawl. I am not talking a cute little tear running down my cheek. I am talking full on ugly cry, and sobbing.

As this week comes to an end I am becoming more acceptable that some dr will be screwing my back together next week!! Sounds like a great way to spend a Friday afternoon right? Ha 

So…..I finally passed the ugly sobbing blowing my nose into anything close by!! Eww right? Yeah it was rough. I am now working on setting my on surgery in a positive note. 

I am sure I haven’t seen the end of that ugly emotional monster who takes over my body. I fully expect panic attacks while I deal with the fact that my dr will be putting 4 screws in the front and 4 in the back along with a couple rods. 

From there, it’s a lot of walking, walking, walking, and more walking to get my strength back, to prevent blood clots, and keeping pneumonia away!

I will be put into a back brace for 4-6 weeks and start physical therapy about a month post op. That’s 6 weeks, 3 times a week! 

I recently learned from my 2nd trip to the ER, in which, they did another MRI that I have a syrix, in easy terms a cyst. It is located higher up and in my thoracic region of my spine. Treatment for this is observation to make sure it doesn’t decide to grow in size. From the same report I learned my L4/L5 disc is bulging and basically degenerating. A possible 2nd surgery in the future, we shall see! As my dr informed me a 2 layer fusion would be too much for me at once. 

Folks, I will be completely honest with you at this point. I am SCARED!!! But I am closer to getting my life back. So my friends as I enter the last week screw free, please say a prayer, or send some good vibes my way!

Lesson # 25 driving hurts

So another lesson learned…Monday night I ended up in the ER with muscle spasms in my back.  

At 9 o’clock that evening I was leaving my sons baseball game and on the way out the gate, it started,stopping me in my tracks. So I took my pain meds. At 10:30, they had not let up any 😕so I called my ortho’s office to talk to the dr on call. Which just happened to be my dr. He advised me to take an additional pain pill and if it doesn’t help go to ER. 

Well after 3 solid hours of non stop muscle spasms, leg weakness, and knotted up calves I went to the ER! 

Boooo!!!! Still hurting once I got there my blood pressure was through the roof with my pain. They gave me a shot and a muscle relaxer and sent me on my way with strict instructions of not doing anything for 2days.  

2 days I have stuff to do….but I followed the instructions and am finally feeling better. 

So I had I my follow up today with my ortho, and as soon as he walked in he informed me that he is trying to move my surgery up to June 2nd!! Eeekk that’s only like a month.  Panic. Breathe. Panic. Breathe.  It’s not a for sure thing until they get it worked out. 🤞🏻🙏🏻

He added some meds for nerve pain and muscle spasms. 

It’s been emotional learning to rely on others a for help, or even asking for help. I miss my own independence. 

I leaned today at my appt: that my surgery will be 2 and half hours to 3 hours. I will be spending at least two days in the hospital. I will be in an ugly back brace for 4 to 6 weeks in summer. 😥 that the muscle spasms and nerve pain are from my back being unstable and moving when I do. 

So I learned today that just driving a little sent me into major muscle spasms. I thought I was taking it easy, but now I have to take it even easier. 

I am looking forward to the weekend and enjoying what I can of my birthday weekend. I am just praying for no flare ups, my sweet sweet husband has made surprise Plans and I can’t wait. Praying for good days! 

A spinal what??? Spondy huh?? My Journey to Surgery Begins…

So leaving off from the last post, I begin here….

In February I passed kidney stones ( I know eeekk 😫), but after passing them I was having constant pain still. So they sent me in for a scope on my bladder and kidneys, and of course no more stones. Well this is when I found out I possibly could have back problems.😬 

Off to the orthopedic surgeon I went after getting my first MRI done (which was painful) to find out news I hadn’t expected. 

Thank goodness my wonderful hubby was there because I think the shock of what I was being told hindered my ability to remember what all we were told. 

So this is my story, my battle, and my setback….

Many of you have talked to me personally about what I am dealing with and I have also discussed it on Facebook. But to write about it helps me, writing has always calmed my soul. So with that being said I have decided to use my blog for the next few months as I go through anterior/posterior spinal discemoty decompression fusion surgery to document my steps and recovery. Anterior and posterior are fancy words for they are going in through my stomach and in through my back. Sounds fun right? Yeah not so much, but this is my setback and battle. 

I have bilateral spondylolsis = meaning a defect in my pars interarticularis in my case the defect is that both sides (bilateral) are broke off completely from my spine. This can be seen in the picture below👇🏻

Because of the pars defect it made my L5 S1 disk unstable causing it to slip forward also know as spondylolisthesis. 

This disc and L4 and L5 are bulging and desiccated (when the disc dries out of fluid which leads to erosion, it’s basically degenerative). 

And with all of this it causes bilateral( both sides) foraminal stenosis = spinal root is compressed spinal nerves in this part right here👇🏻

As you have read and can see, it’s very painful, my everyday activities have pretty much came to a stop. Easy life things like driving cause me severe pain. Sometimes on days where I do too much like maybe cook a small meal, drive the kids somewhere, and get up and down too much will cause me crazy bad pain. So for now it’s a lot of taking it easy and resting. And to be honest even on those days I still end up hurting. Sleeping has become a pain, and it’s something I love so much. Many nights it will be 4 to 5 in the morning before I get comfortable enough to sleep. So in short I hurt a lot!!!  

Being told surgery was the only option I have because pt and steroid shots wouldn’t fix the problems I have, well it shocked me! Never saw that coming? Back surgery at age 34😝! 

So as I go through this process I will write with each step, mainly for me to look back on and well for any of you who wonder “hmm what’s up with her!”  Well here it is! 

I want to add that there are many millions of people who have it worse than I do. I am thankful because it could be a lot worse. You have probably read a few times in this post me calling it a “setback” well that’s how I see it. Keep reading to witness how my setback becomes my comeback. 

At the end of the day it stinks, just plain stinks. In order to have my life back I sadly have to sacrifice 3 or 4 months. 

I am blessed beyond measure with the love from my husband who gives me courage when I get scared. My kiddos who love me with all their heart! My parents(mother in law included, she is just my other mom) who constantly help me with whatever I need. So I am blessed and I believe with staying positive my body isn’t going to beat me!!!  

Sooooo stay tuned as I travel this journey step by step. As of today I have 2 months and 6 days before surgery!

But first…

So most of you know I got divorced a few years ago…but what you may not know is I also got married again. He is the love of my life. I am truly blessed by him and his 2 kiddos, which are my kiddos too! 

That moment when you realize what has been missing in your life has existed the whole time, I just didn’t believe it was true.

My world opened back up when he became apart of it, everyday is an adventure. The old me who has been missing for years, yeah well…he uncovered her and loves her for who she is ❤️

God is in the business of taken the broken and making it beautiful. He took my broken life and made it beautiful again even when I lost faith that he would. My life isn’t perfect now and never will be…..so that last line is leading to my next post! 2 in one day👏🏻👏🏻 aren’t you lucky?? 

But before I go a few pictures of my amazing kiddos 

4 reasons I am blessed and thankful that God never forgets us in our troubles. 

It’s Not All About Me…

Every other Tuesday…I kiss my kids goodbye and watch as they head off to their dad’s house. Each step they take away from me my heart breaks. I drive home unlock the door to a house that is silent…no giggles, no fighting, no noise nothing just silence. 

The silence is hard, I decide I need to find something to fill my time…well because I can’t handle the silence. 

I was born to be the mother of these two amazing kids, yet I have to share them, which is hard…very hard.

I want them home to hear their voice, to feel their hugs, to tuck them in and hear them say I love you momma, and much more! 

Yet, if I kept them to myself I would be selfish. Yes, I would get what I need, but they would not. They need time with their father, the same as he needs time with them. 

This my friends is the side of divorce we never discuss. It’s always about child support, who gets what, and custody! 

No one ever tells you that once they walk out that door to visit their father or mother, you feel empty! I mean my purpose in life just left for several days! What am I to do?? The house is empty and  you feel empty. 

In the end, I know in order for my children to be successful emotionally and physically they need their father and I. As many children aren’t as blessed as they are with a great father, they are! They receive the love they need from both houses. That my friends is as good as it can get. Although, it’s hard and miserable without them I couldn’t imagine a life where their dad wasn’t apart of it, the void they would feel. So as selfish as I would like to be, it’s not all about me! That’s the bottom line…part of being a parent is sacrificing and that can hurt but, they deserve it! A child needs a father as much as a mother, that I will never keep from them…..no matter how much it hurts each week. 

I pray they continue to be successful in all areas of life, and that the sacrifices I make today help them in the future as well. I pray they know even when I am not with them I love them and am truly blessed to be their mother. I pray that they are loved beyond measure by anyone who steps in to add love to their life. And most of all I pray that I do my best everyday to be the mother they need, whether they are there or here. 

Overcomer

On my facebook, this day I introduced my blog. So I sat here and looked over all my post…

Wow! I can’t believe my own words and wisdom. Insight I had on everything I faced. I was reminded today…of my own words. 

God makes beautiful things from the broken. I read over and over. That God was working on brokenness and preparing me for my future! 

It is the future and I can definetly say he has taken my brokenness and turned it into something beautiful. 

I stand here today in a completely new life, as when I began this blog. It amazes me how far I have came, after facing so many trials in life over the last few years.

I was being prepared to begin my new life, to meet my new husband, my step children. I was being taught strength, faith and patience! What an amazing thing God does with our lives even when we are broken. 

I thank God for creating something beautiful out of all my brokenness! 

I will always be broken, we all are. But today I can see the sunshine again, I wake up happy!! It was a long road but well worth every struggle. 

Having faith in his plan for us, is hard to do…but I learned 

I am thankful for my struggles because they built me into who I am today, and for the first time in years I love my life. The life he prepared for me. 

8 things I learned from my divorce

Divorce….wow what an ugly word! One word none of us anticipate when we get married, but unfortunately it happens to some of us. Not the way we planned our life, but sometimes we can’t plan everything. In going through a divorce last year I have and am still learning some valuable lessons. 

If I was to be standing where I stood this time last year you wouldn’t recognize me. Stress mixed with ongoing health problems I dropped a whole whooping 60 lbs! But not only is my outward appearance different my internal being is different. 

With that being said here are a few things I learned from my divorce….

1) Your world is turned upside down and it takes a quick minute to find your feet. It’s a rollercoaster that never stops even after the papers are signed. I used to think I could get off the rollercoaster, but you can’t you can only hang on and do what you think is best. 

2) eventually when you find your feet, you will find other things. Strength, independence, pride in yourself, you will learn to love the person you are, and you will slowly figure out life again. It’s not easy to self reflect, you will see the ugly side of yourself and realize what things that you personally need to work on to be in a healthy relationship some day. This does not come over night! You can’t rush it! Taking the time to rediscover you, is the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids if you have them. 

3) kids…that brings me to my next point. Not in a million years would I want this for my kids. But….it happened so what do we do as parents we reassure them constantly and love them like crazy. Never speak badly about the other parent and show them how to exemplify kindness at all times. They actually are tougher than we give them credit for. And remember no matter how hard we try we can’t fix the broken heart they feel, but we can love them to no end. 

4) at some point another significant other will be introduced to the kids. This step can be hard, but as long as that other is good to your kids and loves them we should feel blessed. If nothing else my kids have 2 new people to shower them with love. Now that my friends is a blessing in disguise. 

5)once you find yourself, God will place someone in your life when he thinks you are ready. He has with me. I found love and happiness again a new sense of adventure within me. I have learned trusting another can be tough but well worth it. This is coming from a woman who decided she would never trust or love again. In fact I had convinced myself love wasn’t real. And here I am telling you sometimes things fall apart so better things can come together…I know so cliche

6) divorce doesn’t define you. It’s not who you are its what happened to you. You can chose to let it define you or chose to learn from it. Never feel ashamed of what life has thrown at you, everyone has something they go through. Divorce is just a stepping stone along your path of life. Your life is far from over. Some say it’s just beginning! 

7) stop taking life so serious, that d word is going to be around especially if you have kids. You have an ex who you won’t always see eye to eye on everything with, but you do your best and keep truckin! Life isn’t going to stop and you shouldn’t either! I know I did stop, life didn’t I had to get back up and determine what I was made of. 

8) and last but not least I am in no way encouraging divorce. I just want to encourage those who may be facing it. Don’t give up until you have tried everything! With that being said both sides have to be willing to give it their all! You alone can’t fix or repair a marriage. Pray and pray and pray! Don’t give up until you just can’t take it anymore. Don’t sacrifice  who you are to save something the other person isn’t willing to try to save. In the long run you will turn out happier! Like I said in no way am I encouraging divorce bc truth be told I hate that word, but sometimes it happens so you have hang on and get trough it.

Life isn’t done throwing punches at you! You will climb many more mountains but the strong woman or man you have become will only help in all of lives rough times. Take the time to learn from your mistakes and roadblocks I promise you in the end you will look back and see you made it and you are OK!!!! 

Sitting in a Pile of Rubble

I am not always in the mood to write or blog…blogging basically went to the wayside when things finally came to a head. 

I was approached recently by someone, whom mentioned I should be journaling through this process, so that I could blog about it and maybe help another in my situation. 

This really stuck in my mind, and today as I listened in church about being a mentor to others, I just thought wow! 

Could simple little me encourage someone else fighting this same battle??!?

In the present, I am learning what true loneliness feels like, especially when the kids are away! I believe in order to heal and become whole again we must face the fear of being alone. Believe me, it is hard to do…

What seemed to be a perfectly normal life was ripped away from me and my family. I truly believe when you are closest to God, Satan shows his ugly head and becomes determined to ruin you! 

That my friends he did! I am still sitting in a pile of rubble wondering what just happened??

To be completely honest, he won for a little while I let his thoughts enter my brain…and truth be told I fight those thoughts daily. 

And in the last 8 months or so I have been broken. But of course we are all broken. That’s how we are used by God.

But, there is life after divorce I haven’t met it all yet. But step by step my bff (GOD) and I are living it side by side. 

Some days it seems completely unbearable and others it’s refreshing! Learning to live a different life doesn’t happen over night…it’s a long process. 

Grieving they say it’s like losing your spouse to death, now I know nothing about that to compare it too. So with saying that their is a grieving process of losing your love, family, and life to divorce how it compares I hope I never have to blog about that one!

Maybe just maybe I share too much information on my life but if I can let someone see inside of me to the real me. They might notice behind this smile is a tinge of heartache, behind these eyes is fear. 

But if one thing I know is true God is in the business of fixing the broken and making something beautiful! 

And sometimes just sometimes that process can take awhile because he is preparing you for your future. Don’t lose heart or hope! Reach out to the one who can fix all the brokenness! He is there just waiting to hold your hand. 

In the words of Elsa “Let it go” and  from the words of the bible give it God he will hold your hand through all life’s storms! 

I am proof….2 years of heartache and grief and then the ugly D word! I am still standing only by the Grace of God! 

P.s  I have had many faithful and wise advice from many friends, family, and very special mentors and I am thankful for every prayer and every call or text. And a shoulder to cry on daily at times!